Tomorrow I travel to Leicester for the day for an interview for a part job at the O2 Academy there, and then on Saturday I will move there to officially begin my masters in Terrorism, Security and Policing. It's all coming around quite quickly now, and I'm still rather chill yet excited about the whole thing.
HOWEVER, (there's always an however isn't there?)
I'm now starting to panic and get all nervous. As I plan packing and organise weekends I'll next be around to see people during, the next stage of reality is beginning to hit, and I'm noticing all of the uncertainty in the things that I had been focusing on to relax me. As I will now explain in the hope that I'm not the only one, and also, as I've said before I find writing like this quite cathartic. I'm fully aware that a lot of what I'm feeling is a bit over dramatic, so I've added in sense to each point despite not feeling very sensible right now.
It's certain that I'm going to be in Leicester for the next year studying a Masters. That's about the only certainty I have, though in this state I'm also starting to think what if it all goes over my head and I fail? And what if I do fail? My dream job doesn't even require an undergraduate degree, never mind a masters. The most important thing is that I try my damn hardest, and I definitely will. Also, considering I have a 2:1 undergrad, it's highly unlikely I'll fail completely.
It's certain I'll make friends, 'everyone makes friends at uni'. Is it though? I've found two of my four flatmates-to-be and they're both second year boys, so they'll probably have their own friends to go about and do freshers' week with. That means I foresee a very lonely weekend ahead of me. However, I still have two other flatmates to meet, and they could be my age without friends in Leicester so are therefore ready to befriend me. Also, it's unfair to write off the two guys I've come across, they could be really welcoming and up for letting me go on nights out throughout the week with them. Most importantly, I long ago made the informed decision not to buy a freshers events band as I am a bit old for that now so only really fancy a few nights of dancing, and more nights of pubbing and chatting. My coursemates are likely to be on this path too, so I should be able to buddy up with them.
It's certain I have friends outside of Leicester university that I can keep in touch who will fill any friend void. Do I though?! This gets me the most I think, because how I know how busy I let myself get and how I let weeks just run away with me and BOOM, I haven't spoken to one person or another for a month. What if everyone gets sick of me saying 'sorry it's been a few weeks, how are you?' and ditches me. For whatever reason I can't shake this feeling, but seriously I keep repeatedly getting proven wrong about this. I'm not the only busy person in the world, all of those close to me are off doing amazing things constantly, and we're still close. This bit really will be ok.
I think the stylising and point of all this is perfectly summed up by this quote I found today,
Troubles, worries, negative feelings can and should be recognised enough to be written down, but write them down and know that they aren't going to last. To paraphrase wise old Albus Dumbledore, 'It does not do well to dwell on [negativity] and forget to live'. Personally, I'm a fixer so even if the worst happens and I don't get either job I want in Leicester, my course is horrendously difficult, I can't make new friends, and I lose old relationships, I'll make the best of it. Even if the best is that I finally lose those last 10 pounds cos I'm stuck in the gym outside of lectures, and that I save enough money to travel next summer for a bit because I spend so little on going out as I have no friends for a social life then so be it. Ultimately, I'm a young woman who's alive and receiving an education, in terms of the world, I'm one of the very blessed few.
Let's do this!
HOWEVER, (there's always an however isn't there?)
I'm now starting to panic and get all nervous. As I plan packing and organise weekends I'll next be around to see people during, the next stage of reality is beginning to hit, and I'm noticing all of the uncertainty in the things that I had been focusing on to relax me. As I will now explain in the hope that I'm not the only one, and also, as I've said before I find writing like this quite cathartic. I'm fully aware that a lot of what I'm feeling is a bit over dramatic, so I've added in sense to each point despite not feeling very sensible right now.
It's certain that I'm going to be in Leicester for the next year studying a Masters. That's about the only certainty I have, though in this state I'm also starting to think what if it all goes over my head and I fail? And what if I do fail? My dream job doesn't even require an undergraduate degree, never mind a masters. The most important thing is that I try my damn hardest, and I definitely will. Also, considering I have a 2:1 undergrad, it's highly unlikely I'll fail completely.
It's certain I'll make friends, 'everyone makes friends at uni'. Is it though? I've found two of my four flatmates-to-be and they're both second year boys, so they'll probably have their own friends to go about and do freshers' week with. That means I foresee a very lonely weekend ahead of me. However, I still have two other flatmates to meet, and they could be my age without friends in Leicester so are therefore ready to befriend me. Also, it's unfair to write off the two guys I've come across, they could be really welcoming and up for letting me go on nights out throughout the week with them. Most importantly, I long ago made the informed decision not to buy a freshers events band as I am a bit old for that now so only really fancy a few nights of dancing, and more nights of pubbing and chatting. My coursemates are likely to be on this path too, so I should be able to buddy up with them.
It's certain I have friends outside of Leicester university that I can keep in touch who will fill any friend void. Do I though?! This gets me the most I think, because how I know how busy I let myself get and how I let weeks just run away with me and BOOM, I haven't spoken to one person or another for a month. What if everyone gets sick of me saying 'sorry it's been a few weeks, how are you?' and ditches me. For whatever reason I can't shake this feeling, but seriously I keep repeatedly getting proven wrong about this. I'm not the only busy person in the world, all of those close to me are off doing amazing things constantly, and we're still close. This bit really will be ok.
I think the stylising and point of all this is perfectly summed up by this quote I found today,
Troubles, worries, negative feelings can and should be recognised enough to be written down, but write them down and know that they aren't going to last. To paraphrase wise old Albus Dumbledore, 'It does not do well to dwell on [negativity] and forget to live'. Personally, I'm a fixer so even if the worst happens and I don't get either job I want in Leicester, my course is horrendously difficult, I can't make new friends, and I lose old relationships, I'll make the best of it. Even if the best is that I finally lose those last 10 pounds cos I'm stuck in the gym outside of lectures, and that I save enough money to travel next summer for a bit because I spend so little on going out as I have no friends for a social life then so be it. Ultimately, I'm a young woman who's alive and receiving an education, in terms of the world, I'm one of the very blessed few.
Let's do this!
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